Monthly Archives: November 2015

How To Break Up With Your Ex

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Ever heard of someone still hooking up with someone they claim they broke up with? Then they come complain to you about how they upset them and all that balderdash. They need to know how to break up with their exes.

Please show them this article so you can rest.

 

First, before we continue let us define who an ex is.

An ex, in this context, is someone who you were in an intimate relationship with, someone who to a certain degree is known to your family and friends as your lover; not someone you were ‘toasting’ or catcalling and refused your advances.

An ex, here, is not when you are in a relationship with the idea of someone.

I heard Adele released a new song titled ‘Hello’ and  I decided to download the song.


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Sigh. Why so obsessed?

This is how you should break up with your ex.

1. If you find yourself attempting to call your ex when you are lonely or needing company and you know iy ends up with you getting hurt, delete his or her number from your device’s phone book. If you have stored it in your memory, – sorry, try and try again. It will do you good to stay away for your mental health.

2. Make a polite, clean break from them on social media, especially the ones you know you would easily bump into them. Mute, block, unfollow, unfriend, uneverything them from your social media space if it is constantly upsetting you.

Do it nice and quiet, we don’t want to burn bridges now, would we?

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Done!

 

3. If you had activities that you did together then that were oh-so-romantic and made you happy back then e.g visting a restaurant, drinking a bottle of plastic coke,  globe trotting, bungee diving together, snorkelling- if you are into that sort of thing – avoid them for now. So that you can move on.

If it were ordinary activities like praying together, drinking water etc that remind you of him/her, my sister/my brother,  you are on your own.

You need to pray and drink water.

 

4. If your family knows his family who knows his family’s family… tell them the truth in plain English when they ask about your break up so that they leave you alone and stop asking about our ‘in-law’, making you lie through your teeth.

Don’t be like this guy.

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5. [Please don’t ] Take 30 showers or more depending on how much access to water you have.

If you live in the northern Nigeria, for example Kebbi state, take lesser showers. It would be selfish to use all the water because of an ex now, wouldn’t it?

As if taking a zillion showers will rid you of memories of a relationship. Smh

This is why you should avoid Kanye and anything Kanye these days.

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That 30 shower thing though

6. You are not Beyonce: If you keep telling yourself you would revenge by slamming him/her with a wedding invitation card overnight or suddenly dropping your mid-air pre-wedding photos all over the internet like Beyonce did with her album; you are decieving yourself.


You are still in a relationship with him/her and he/she probably doesn’t care anymore.

 

7. Don’t download Adele’s ‘Hello’: or any of her albums except you want to gawk at the wonders of her octaves.

Please save your data and battery life if you intend to start crying when she sings about her ex. She makes money from these things, you know.

Continues unlooking game
Continues unlooking game

8. If you don’t have anything to occupy your mind with, get busier with your career, a social cause, develop your hobby or join a unit in church.

If you don’t have a unit in church that you’d like to join, come to my church we always have work to do plus 6.30am and 7.00am Saturday and Sunday meetings to attend.

 

9. Become obsessed with natural hair (For ladies): Follow blogs, Pinterest, attend hair meet ups, exhibitions, start your own DIY apothecary etc.

My dear, you will forget your sorrows with the ever time-consuming natural hair care routines.

 

10. Read this blog always and always remember to drop comments.

(Add your own in the comments)